I’ve been a sarcastic sh*t my entire life.
Sometimes it’s a simple “Really?” or “Seriously?”. Both with raised eyebrows.
Other times a more robust utterance or stream is required.
“We…we could be friends.’
We COULD be rare specimens of an exotic breed of dancing African elephants, but we’re not. At least, I’M not.”
― Neil Gaiman
Here are 10 of my most frequent and historically favorite jabs.
- I’ve no desire to get into a battle of wits with an unarmed man
- I would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong
- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for the middle of my sentence to interrupt the beginning of yours
- Was there actually something important in what you just said?
- When he left to go to another department he simultaneously raised the IQ of both groups
- Are you always this dense? Or are you acting this way especially for me?
- You won’t be in all next week? How will we notice the difference?
- What part of NO did you not understand?
- Oh I hear you. I just don’t understand you. You see I don’t speak nonsense.
- How about some floppy shoes and a red nose to complete that clown impersonation?
I’ve got to let them all go. And more. Jettison them. Throw them out.
“Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt.”
― Cassandra Clare
You see I’m not a stand up comic. Not Don Rickles or a Late Night TV host. And my life isn’t Open Mic Night at The Improv.
There was a point in my life when I wrote comedy. Sarcastic lines. And used them at work. Isn’t that INSANE?
There is no room in my life for this. It isn’t the me I’ve become and want to be.
It can’t be me.
Is there a place for sarcasm? Is it appropriate at any time? I suppose so.
“Are you always a smartass?’
Nope. Sometimes I’m asleep.”
― Jim Butcher
But let’s just talk ME.
I discovered that my sarcasm is almost always mean and cruel. Belittling. Attacking. Demeaning. Demoralizing. I can’t control it. Like Cyclops from X-Men who can’t control the beams emanating from his eyes.
So I would do a lot of direct as well as collateral damage.
Direct damage is when the Sarcasm is specifically aimed at someone. Some people handle it well. Others? You can see the hurt in their eyes. The dejection in the hunched shoulders. The wince. Not good.
It began to leave a bad taste in my mouth. A stain on my soul.
Collateral damage is when others react to the sarcasm aimed at someone else. It leaves a bad taste in THEIR mouth. A lower opinion of who I am. Bad character for me.
Equally not good.
So the fix is straightforward. No sarcasm. I don’t need it. I’d rather be helpful, kind, understanding. That’s who I am supposed to be. Who I really am.
Will I always be perfect? No. Will I “fall off the wagon”? Probably. But when I fail I’ll recognize it. Admit it. Apologize. And move on. And as with any long time habit that I desire to change I’ll use my A.W.A.R.E. process.
Perhaps there is more truth to the following quote than I care to admit:
“I’m sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.”
― Cassandra Clare
Those of you that know me please hold me accountable. Call me out.
No more sarcasm…